


Agatha Heterodyne and the Ravening Monster

by Sturzkampf



Series: The Trials of Moloch von Zinzer [5]
Category: Freefall - Fandom, Girl Genius
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-15
Updated: 2015-03-22
Packaged: 2018-03-18 00:27:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 11,360
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3549233
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sturzkampf/pseuds/Sturzkampf
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When a monster runs amok in Castle Heterodyne, Agatha and her team must hunt it down. But why is Moloch von Zinzer acting so strangely?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Crime

On a bright day in early summer the ominous two-tone wailing of the Monster Siren rang out across Mechanicsburg. Every settlement in Europa living in the shadow of the Spark has such an alarm to alert the townsfolk when a dangerous creature escapes from the Castle and goes on the rampage. When the people hear the warning they know it is time to put up the shutters, lock the door (and not open it if anyone knocks, despite what you may have seen in the Heterodyne shows) and cower in the cellar, although in Mechanicsburg their fear is naturally tempered by a certain amount of civic pride. Meanwhile their Lord the Spark musters his forces to hunt down the Abomination that has resulted from the unfortunate unforeseeable side-effects of his latest experiment – or possibly he takes the good brandy, cigars and a powerful telescope up to a suitably high and secure Castle balcony with a view of the town to enjoy an evening of free entertainment. It has to be said that since Agatha Heterodyne has been Master of Mechanicsburg the Monster Siren has hardly sounded at all; no more than once a month. It also has to be said that some of the older residents shake their heads at this and wonder if the new Heterodyne is really trying hard enough.

Inside Castle Heterodyne, Agatha, Krosp, Violetta and General Zog viewed a scene of total devastation. The walls, floor and even the ceiling of the room were splattered with blood that a short time before had been inside the Jäger whose shredded remains lay scattered amidst the overturned furniture. Despite her extensive medical experience working on constructs, Jägers and normal humans, Agatha felt slightly nauseous. 

“What was his name?” she asked the General.

“Dot vas Berndt.” replied Zog in his gruff voice, prodding an unidentifiable piece of internal organ with his boot. “Alvays laffink, de life und sole ov de party. Alvays a great vun vit de chokes.”

Agatha was deeply disturbed by such extreme violence in the heart of her stronghold. “How could this happen? How could one of my minions have suddenly gone so berserk as to actually kill a Jäger?” She turned and addressed the ceiling, its Baroque paintings of fanged nymphs and tentacled cherubs ruined by arterial spray. “And how could the creature just escape? Why didn't you activate any death traps? Usually you don't need any excuse to start trying to hurt people.”

“Well, it was just a Jäger fight.” replied Castle Heterodyne. “Much as I'd like to join in every time the Jägers start a brawl, you always scold me when I try to be proactive.”

“Yes, but this is different! Berndt's been killed!”

“So… you can't fix him then?” the Castle enquired innocently.

“Fix him?! He's been torn limb from limb and plastered all round the room!”

The Castle gave a supercilious sniff, a clever trick for a mechanism without a nose. “Well, it's not my place to pass comment of course, but the Old Masters would have regarded that as an opportunity, rather than a problem.”

“We are so not going there. The Jägerdraft may mean they are tough and heal fast, but there are limits, OK? This Jäger is quite definitely dead! Anyway, there aren't any salvageable parts.”

Agatha turned to Krosp, who was standing in a window recess to avoid getting any blood on his fur.

“Can you tell me why this happened? When this wolf construct came to us I had grave reservations about taking in one of Dr Vapnoople's original creations, but you promised me there would be no danger. I seem to remember taking on the new minion against my better judgement.”

The cat drew himself up to his full height. Having his decisions questioned was an affront to his pride.

“Clearly this was one of Papa's early works and rather less controlled than his later, superior achievements, such as myself or my bears. You can hardly blame me if there were flaws in the design. The donor creature was a mere wolf. It was unrealistic of you to expect behaviour as rational and civilised as a cat. Now, focus on what's important. You must kill this construct and kill it quickly.”

“What about all the sibling bonding that you told me about after we found out that this was a surviving intelligent construct created by your Papa?”

Krosp scowled. “That was before Papa's creation became a threat to me.”

“But there's no threat to you here in the Castle.” Violetta assured him. “It reports that the construct has already escaped from the City and has been tracked to one of its defensive installations in the hills.”

“The threat here is to my reputation. If one of Dr Vapnoople's creations can become a ravening monster, then people will start to wonder if the others might go the same way. We need to hunt the creature down as soon as possible with the minimum of fuss, then burn the body and forget this Abomination ever existed, before anyone makes a connection to me.”

“By 'we' I take it you mean ‘me’?” Agatha asked him sardonically.

“I'm the strategist. I leave you to take care of the details. Now, you're wasting time. Get out there and put your famous monster hunting skills to good use before anyone else dies.”

He turned away, looking through the shattered window from which the construct had escaped to the distant mountains beyond. With his hands clasped behind his back in his best ‘Emperor’ pose he projected the image of a great mind devising stratagems to crush the enemies of Mechanicsburg. Actually, he was thinking what he would like for lunch. The smell of all that blood had made him hungry again.

\-------------------------* 

Zeetha climbed the hill swiftly, but with caution. Although hot on the trail, she knew not to rush headlong in pursuit. A hunter must always be wary of a wounded animal turning on its pursuers without warning. As soon as the alarm had sounded she had run straight to the scene of the carnage and begun monster hunting. The trail of blood left by her quarry was easy to track through the streets of Mechanicsburg and up into the hills beyond. Zeetha wasn't sure if the monster was injured or if it was dripping with blood from the dismembered Jäger. Judging by the carnage, it was probably both.  She followed the trail up a short but steep hill outside Mechanicsburg towards a small ruined cottage; an ideal place for a wounded monster to hide. As she neared the top she heard voices and cresting the brow was surprised to see Moloch von Zinzer and Fraulein Snaug with a four legged pack clank weighed down with equipment. Steam rose from the joints of the clank; it had been driven hard. Fraulein Snaug was busy unloading, laying out the various weapons and other Spark-created mechanisms in neat and ordered rows in the best tradition of the well trained minion. Von Zinzer was peering uncertainly into the single entrance to the ruin. He jumped when Zeetha came up behind him.

“Hi Moloch.” she said in her best reassuring voice. “You sure the monster is there?” She didn't really need to ask. The smeared bloody footprints on the threshold were hard to miss. “Don't worry. I can take it from here.” She drew her two swords and tried to walk past von Zinzer, but was surprised when he moved to stop her.

“No” he told her. “No, this is something I have to do myself. Come away from the entrance.” Intrigued, Zeetha allowed herself to be led away from the doorway. Nevertheless she kept a close eye on the exit with her swords drawn in case the monster suddenly burst out. Von Zinzer leaned in close and spoke with unusual intensity.

“Please, I have to go in first. This is one of my team we are talking about, do you understand? I'm Head Minion and this is one of my people. My responsibility. I have to go in there and see what is wrong. I can't believe that this is a ravening monster. Something happened in that room back at the Castle and I want to know what before I let you just go in there and start butchering.”

Zeetha gaped at von Zinzer as though he had just grown another head. Actually, having been around Agatha and Mechanicsburg for some time, she would have been less surprised if he really had grown an extra head. It took all her warrior training to keep her amazement under control and focus on the matter in hand.

“Wha.... I mean, I respect your decision and your concern. But you realise you are taking a terrible risk? That thing could rip your head off.”

“Don't worry Moloch,” shouted Fraulein Snaug. “If you do get your head ripped off I've brought all the equipment I need to stick it back on again – and I can make improvements! Muhahahahaha!!”

Zeetha raised an eyebrow “She's been working on the maniacal laughter. At least she's brought a good selection of weapons for you. I would recommend that M41A Pulse Rifle. It’s got a reputation for being pretty effective against monsters even if you haven’t had any military training, so you stand at least an even chance of stopping the monster before it gets you.”

“I don't need weapons,” von Zinzer reassured Zeetha. “I have this.” He indicated a bulging brown paper bag in his pocket. Zeetha couldn't see what it contained. She didn’t really want to know what Spark-created Abomination of Science could be more effective than the array of weaponry laid out on the grass. “If you're sure, well, good luck, but I still think you are taking an insane risk. Do you know the ground plan in there?”

“Yes, it’s a single corridor with a closed windowless room with no exits at the end. It looks like a ruin, but in fact you can see it is part of the Castle's outer defences. It's a big booby trap.”

“Could we use that to catch the monster?”

 “The Castle reports that it’s been recently deactivated. That's how I knew this was the place to come.”

 “If you need help, just scream. I'll be right here to back you up.”

 “No, that won't be necessary. I know I'm in no danger,” von Zinzer reassured her, his voice trembling. Zeetha made a mental note to invite him to the Friday night poker sessions; if he lived that long.

 Von Zinzer squared his shoulders and walked towards the entrance, but then paused to watch Fraulein Snaug as she continued unpacking all manner of unreasonable machinery from the pack-clank, giggling insanely all the while. He turned and walked back to Zeetha. In a way she was a little disappointed that his nerve had failed him, but at least he had the humility to step away from danger, rather than allowing his pride to lead him to an unnecessary and horrible death. He came close to her and whispered to her so that Snaug would not hear.

 “Look, Zeetha, can I ask a favour? It could be dangerous, but please, do this last thing for me. Promise me if …something bad happens to me in there, you won’t let Fraulein Snaug try and put me back together.”

 Zeetha smiled. “Of course. I promise I will give my life to make sure you stay dead. Naturally, you want to make sure no-one works on you but Agatha.”

 Von Zinzer’s expression went from very scared to absolutely terrified. “Gear grit, no! I hadn’t thought she might be after me too!” he squeaked, pulling a large wax-sealed envelope from an inside pocket. “Look, here’s my ‘Do Not Resurrect’ Notice, all signed and witnessed. If I die in there, just make sure I do _not_ donate _any_ parts of my body to science.” Zeetha nodded and clasped his shoulder in reassurance. She was not surprised to find von Zinzer was trembling. With a deep breath the Head Minion turned and without a backward glance walked into the dark entrance to face whatever lay within.

 Zeetha walked over to the Fraulein Snaug, who had finished unpacking and arranging the terrifying pieces of apparatus. It was difficult for Zeetha's untrained eye to tell if some of them were weapons, instruments of torture or medical devices. Knowing Mechanicsburg, it was likely that they could be used for all three purposes, possibly at the same time.

 “Moloch must think very highly of this minion to take such a risk to try and save him,” she said. “What is his name?” Fraulein Snaug gave a snort of disgust, her good humour replaced in an instant by resentful rage.

 “Oh yes, I’m sure they get on very well together and he thinks very highly of _it_ indeed.” she sneered through clenched teeth. “And that bitch's name is Florence.”

“Oh my,” Zeetha's face was suddenly foolish with understanding. “Oh, I see.”

 --------------------------*

Von Zinzer advanced slowly down the dark corridor, trying to move as stealthily as possible. Rationally, he knew this to be pointless. Even in the unlikely event that Florence did not hear him, she would still smell him coming. He tried to remember if she had enhanced night vision. Probably not; she didn’t see colours well. He also remembered that she found creatures injured or in distress rather appetising. All in all it seemed best to just stride confidently down the corridor as though he were alpha minion. He reached the end of the corridor where it entered the room. The control panel for the trap mechanism in the doorway had been dismantled and deactivated. Not ripped apart or destroyed by weapons fire, but carefully disassembled by an engineer who had every intention that it should go back together again. It gave him hope that perhaps the Florence he knew was still in there somewhere. Of course this also meant that the windowless room containing a fast, strong apex predator was in darkness. He pulled a small aether lantern from his pocket to illuminate the first few feet in front of him. From the far side of the room the light reflected back from a pair of red eyes. ‘That’s just the reflection from her retinas,’ von Zinzer told himself; ‘her eyes aren't really glowing’. The light also glistened on a row of bared sharp teeth in a mouth too wide and too long for any human face. There was a long, low growl. Von Zinzer concentrated on keeping his voice calm and confident. Despite all the practice he had had in the last few years, he still wasn’t getting much better at it.

“Hello Florence.” He pulled the bag from his pocket and rustled the paper encouragingly. “I brought doggy treats.”

The growling was replaced by a soft snuffling and the reflections from the teeth vanished. There was a soft thump in the darkness; the sound of some stiff but soft object striking the floor. It sounded again and again, slowly building up in speed and intensity. For a moment Von Zinzer held his breath. What other creature was moving in the dark? Then, with relief, he realised it was Florence wagging her tail. Everything was going to be all right, at least for the next five minutes.

“Moloch?” whimpered a soft voice in the darkness. “I’ve been bad.” He crossed the room in rapid strides to where the wolf-woman was crouching, held her in his arms and gave her a doggy treat. They always seemed to make things better. The thumping of Florence’s tail against the floor grew faster and louder.

“I’m so sorry,” she whimpered as he pressed her head against his shoulder. “I didn’t mean to become a monster.”

 -----------------------*

 Florence was a wolf human hybrid created by the ~~Mad Scientist~~ , talented Spark, Dr Dmitri Vapnoople, and the last of the vast army that had dominated hundreds of square kilometres until they had finally challenged Baron Klaus Wulfenbach. It had taken 3 years for the Empire at the very height of its power to defeat them. Dr Vapnoople had been recruited by the Baron, for whom he continued to create animal constructs, including Krosp, with mixed success. You can read more about his subsequent career and the constructs he created in Lady Heterodyne’s official biography. Normally the Baron recruited the creations of a defeated Spark into the Empire’s army but the wolfmen of Dr Vapnoople had proved so loyal to their creator that they had to be destroyed. Florence had not been captured with the other members of her pack but after a series of improbable adventures had ended up as a minion working for Agatha Heterodyne in Mechanicsburg, where lost souls were always welcomed and monsters commonplace.

 In appearance, Florence had the body of a wolf, but with highly modified hips, shoulders and forearms that enabled her to stand upright like a human, with human hands with opposable thumbs, rather than forepaws. Her head was distinctly canine, with a muzzle and pointed wolf ears, but she had fine dark brown hair and her face was far more expressive and human than any wolf or dog. She walked on her hind legs, but preferred to run on all fours. She was covered in fur, reddish brown over most of her body but white on her chest and abdomen. She invariably wore one piece _Arbeitsanzug_ overalls, modified at the back for her long bushy tail. In fact, by Mechanicsburg standards, where far more outlandish constructs pulled delivery carts, Florence hardly qualified as a monster at all. There was one other factor that made Florence instantly accepted in Mechanicsburg; she was an expert, hardworking and conscientious technician and in Mechanicsburg that made her a valued member of society, whatever the colour of her fur. Moloch von Zinzer, who had more than a passing hand in recruiting her (see _Moloch von Zinzer and the Revolting Minions_ ) was surprised to find that she was completely grounded. In fact, apart from himself, she was the sanest person he had ever met. Once he had got used to the enormous row of sharp pointy teeth, which he later learned was Florence’s attempt at a friendly smile, he found himself spending much of his rare leisure time in her company, taking long walks in the hills and hunting deer. For some reason he had never quite understood, Fraulein Snaug, Sanaa Tryggvasson and Violetta all hated her guts.

 -----------------------*

 Outside the ruin, Zeetha, worried by the continued silence, was about to mount a rescue, when Agatha and Violetta arrived at the top of the hill. Agatha was carrying her latest death ray.

 “Have you run it to ground? Is it in there?” she asked the Skifanderian.

 “Yes, I'm pretty sure she’s there. Von Zinzer has just gone in there after her.”

 “What! On his own? Has he gone completely mad?”

 “Almost certainly. He seemed to think that as it was one of his own people, he had a duty to find out what the problem was rather than just letting me kill her. You do realise he just called himself Head Minion?”

 Violetta looked at her with undisguised astonishment. “Seriously? You sure it’s really him?”

 Zeetha shrugged. “Whatever the reason why he wants to save that wolf, it’s pretty strong if he forgets himself as much as that. It's too quiet in there and he’s been gone too long. I'm going in.”

 “No!” Agatha pushed in front of her. “This is _my_ minion and _my_ responsibility. You all stay here and get ready to back me up. _I'm_ going in.” She pushed a large button on her death ray and various dynamos span up to speed with a cacophony of ominous rising howls and whines. A powerful floodlight mounted under the barrel snapped on and illuminated the corridor. She strode into the building to face the ravening monster.

 “Hoy!” Zeetha shouted after her. “There's a queue here!”

 “I should drop it.” whispered Violetta. “That's a new death ray. I say we give her 30 seconds to try it out and then go in to help.”

 As Agatha strode into the chamber the light from her gun revealed von Zinzer and Florence standing together on the far side of the room. She shouted at her head minion.

“Von Zinzer. Get out of the way! I’m going to shoot that cow!”

 Moloch stood his ground. He pushed Florence behind him, putting himself between the wolf and the death ray, backing them both into a corner of the room.

 Agatha looked bemused. “What are you doing you idiot? Get out of the way! Get out of the way so I can get a clear shot!”

 “Stay behind me,” he told Florence, hoping she would be obedient. “STAY!”

 Puffing out his chest and pulling his shoulders back, he looked the Heterodyne in the eye and addressed her in his best Sergeant’s voice.

 “You want Florence?! You’ll have to go through me first. No-one kills my wolf while I am alive!” He pointed to the centre of his chest. “Go on! Aim here!”

 Taking his words literally, the aiming mechanism of the gun gave a series of clicks and whirs. Three red targeting spots converged on Moloch and came together in a cluster about three centimetres apart directly over his heart. There was a happy peep-peep sound to indicate a positive lock. As Moloch moved, so the gyros in the gun kept it pointing straight at him.

 “Er… There isn’t the least chance that your gun doesn't shoot straight is there?” he asked Agatha.

 “No. none whatsoever. Now get out of my way so I can blow her head off.”

 “No, I… I won’t let you. It isn’t fair. You can’t just shoot her like a d... like a rat in a hole. You’ve got to hear her side of the story.”

 As he talked, Agatha was pressing various buttons on her gun to get the targeting mechanism to re-focus on Florence. Each time it happily locked back onto von Zinzer, the obvious target. It occurred to Moloch that if Agatha had a simple rifle with an aperture sight she could probably have just shot Florence the old fashioned way; there was no way he could be perfectly shielding his wolf. It also occurred to him that one of Agatha’s guns would probably be powerful enough to blast a hole through him and Florence and then take out a chunk of the wall behind them.

 Zeetha and Violetta entered the room behind Agatha. Zeetha had both her swords drawn, while Violetta had selected a _batna_ , a huge Spark-enhanced two-handed sword unique to Mechanicsburg, from the pack clank’s weapons stash. Behind them in the entrance Fraulein Snaug reconnected one of the dismantled components and the room was suddenly illuminated by the dim ceiling lights.

 Violetta surveyed the scene in amazement. “What on earth? Moloch, what are you doing you idiot? Are you a hostage? Don’t worry, I’ll save you!”

 “She isn’t a monster,” von Zinzer told her desperately. “I’m not getting out of the way.”

 “Oh that won’t be necessary,” the Smoke Knight told him casually, leaning against the wall. “She can’t hide behind you all day.”

 Something hard pushed against von Zinzer’s back. Looking over his shoulder he saw Violetta’s _batna_ slowly toppling into the corner of the room behind him. There was a startled ‘Yip’. Turning he saw Florence on the far side of the room in front of him, with Violetta hanging on to her with both hands as they struggled. No matter how many times he saw it, he just had to be impressed by the Smoke Knight’s sleight of hand.

 Violetta was having trouble holding Florence. “Now my Lady! What are you waiting for! Shoot her! SHOOT! HER!”

 Agatha aimed her gun at point blank range as the targeting mechanism obediently focussed in on the wolf’s forehead and gave its happy little peep-peep. Florence stopped struggling and crouched down on all fours in a submissive posture, with Violetta on top of her holding firmly on to her hair. Von Zinzer knew he only had seconds to save the wolf's life.

 “Wait!” he called desperately “Florence, explain what you have been doing at the Castle yesterday. “Go on, speak!”

 Florence looked between Agatha and him uncertainly. “Yesterday? Well... I refuelled all the vrilium cylinders in the Large Victim Medical Lab. I serviced the orgone energy accumulators for the APNHAD and I filed off a burr on the rotator cuff  in one of the legs of a medium duty warehouse clank that I noticed wasn't moving as well as it should have been.”

 “Listen, Lady Heterodyne, Agatha,” von Zinzer pleaded. “Listen to her. Please. That is not an insane, ravening monster talking now is it? That is a sane, rational, thinking creature.”

 “Sane?” Agatha was incredulous. “She just ripped a Jäger to pieces! Small pieces! With her bare claws and teeth!”

 “OK, OK, just hear me out. We not arguing about that. It’s all a question of whether she is a monster or not. If she was an insane, ravening monster, fine, shoot her. But she isn’t. Look at her. She’s a person. A rational being. You can’t just shoot her without at least hearing her side of the story. Not even Baron Wulfenbach would have done that.”

 Agatha gave a sharp intake of breath. For a horrible moment von Zinzer thought he had just gotten them both killed. Before Agatha could pull the trigger, Zeetha laid a calming hand on her arm.

 “Zumil, listen. Rather than let me kill her, Moloch insisted on coming in here, unarmed, on his own, to talk to this wolf, even though he was terrified. For that at least he deserves to be heard. This woman, whatever she has done, is not insane and mindless. She should be judged in the daylight, in the open, not just killed in the dark.”

 Agatha looked disappointed. “Aw, but I haven’t shot any monsters with my new death ray yet.”

 “Don’t worry,” Zeetha reassured her. “There’s always Fraulein Snaug… Joking. No! _I’M JOKING!_ ”

 With reluctance, Agatha powered down the gun. Violetta looked unhappy and kept hold of Florence’s hair. Her other hand held a knife at the wolf’s throat.

 “It would be safer to just kill it now,” she growled.

 Agatha looked at the creature crouched before her and suddenly saw not a ravening wolf construct, but a terrified young woman. “No! No, we’ll take her back to Mechanicsburg and hear what she has to say for herself. But she’s going on the lead.”

 “That’s not fair!” protested von Zinzer. “You can’t humiliate her like that!”

 “Really, it’s alright,” said Florence. “I’ve been bad and deserve to be punished. I’m not safe.”

 Von Zinzer was still unhappy. “All right then, but I’m holding the lead.” 

 “Fine,” Violetta told him. “But just remember I’m holding the knife.”

 Agatha looked at the wolf seriously. “No Florence, you aren’t safe. And know this. We will want to know why you did what you did, and if I find that you are a ravening monster I will put you down. Do you understand?”

 Florence nodded in submission, her head bowed. She allowed a collar to be fastened around her neck and a stout lead attached, with Moloch von Zinzer clutching the other end tightly in both hands. They left a happy Fraulein Snaug to pack away all the equipment and follow on the pack clank and then, under the close guard of Violetta, Zeetha and Agatha, one man and his wolf began the long, slow walk back to Mechanicsburg and judgement.

 -----------------------*

_Is Florence really a Ravening Monster? Will von Zinzer’s heroics be in vain? Why the Hell is he taking such insane risks anyway? Don’t miss the next exciting episode of ‘Agatha Heterodyne and the Ravening Monster’!_


	2. Punishment

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _There's more than one sort of Ravening Monster stalking the corridors of Castle Heterodyne._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _Warning: This story contains scenes that may be unsuitable for Jägerkin of a sensitive disposition._

The procession wound its way through the streets of Mechanicsburg. The population, always alert to free street theatre, watched in silence. At the front came Agatha, still holding her new death ray.  Behind came Florence and von Zinzer, walking close together. Moloch did his best to hide the fact that Florence was wearing a collar and lead. The wolf cringed under the stares of the crowd and was almost walking on all fours.

“Stand up, walk straight,” Moloch whispered. “You are not a monster, you are an intelligent and rational woman,” With reluctance, Florence straightened and walked upright but her ears were back, her eyes downcast and her tail tucked between her legs. Behind her walked Violetta and Zeetha, both with weapons drawn, ready to spring into action should the wolf-woman show the least sign of trying to escape or turning on the crowd. At the rear rode Fraulein Snaug on the pack-clank, singing an old huntsmen’s song about the different types of clothing that could be made from wolf fur, which Moloch thought was in extremely bad taste.

They arrived at the Castle. As the party entered the main hall, it slammed the great doors behind them with an ominous boom. Von Zinzer could almost forgive it the theatrics, but not the evil little snigger. Agatha immediately got down to business.

“Right. We’ll convene in one of the conference rooms. As a Jäger has been killed, one of the Generals should be present and the monst... Florence should be guarded by a couple of Jägerkin. Von Zinzer, as you’ve taken her side you’d better be there too. Someone wake up Krosp and see if he wants to come.” She turned to Violetta and Zeetha, still hovering over Florence, “and I suppose you two will want to be there.”

“Hey, my Lady, I’m your bodyguard,” Violetta protested “and if you think I’m going to let you be in a room talking to a crazed ravening monster without me then you are very much mistaken.”

“That’s going to take at least half an hour to set-up,” said von Zinzer, indicating his minion’s blood soaked fur and _Arbeitsanzug_. ”Can Florence at least get cleaned up?” 

Violetta was doubtful. “I’m not sure we should leave it unguarded.”

“ _She_ is on trial for her life,” he objected. “At least let her wear clean clothes.”

Agatha frowned. “Well, I suppose so, but I'm not happy about letting her move around the Castle.”

“I’ll guard her,” Zeetha volunteered, “and von Zinzer can keep hold of the lead. I’ll ask Luilla to get Florence's best dress from her quarters.”

“I’ll come too.” Violetta still didn't trust the wolf.

“I thought you were Lady Heterodyne’s bodyguard? Best if you stay with her and guard her body,” Zeetha told her.

“How is it that _I_ never get to wear a pretty dress?” the Smoke Knight complained. 

“What are you going to do in a pretty dress?” Fraulein Snaug asked innocently. “It‘d be like a sheep walking on its hind legs.”

Violetta glared at her in undisguised hatred. The minion beat a hasty retreat, but couldn't suppress an unwise giggle.

\---------------------*

For obvious reasons, Agatha made a point of not adopting technology developed by the House of Wulfenbach. The definite exceptions were the Hot Rain Engines, the bathing machines that she had first encountered on Castle Wulfenbach. On the airship city these were little more than simple boilers that heated water and passed it through an overhead sprinkler under low pressure, with a valve to mix cold water with the hot so the bather could regulate the temperature. Under Agatha’s Spark this device had been transformed into a complex system of brass, steel and copper, usually with at least six adjustable nozzles at a variety of heights and angles that gave the best shower experience anywhere in the multiverse. The only disadvantage was that, as they were Spark- designed, the first two plumbers called in to repair minor leaks had to be taken away in strait jackets. After that only certified Spark-hardened senior minions or minor Sparks were allowed to work on them. This was a great advantage as Sparks were cheaper and easier to get at weekends than plumbers.

Zeetha, von Zinzer and Florence arrived at the minions' Hot Rain Engine Room, where they were met by Luilla with Florence's dress and sponge bag.

“Don’t worry. I’ll stand guard outside,” Zeetha told Moloch. “You go in with her.”

“What in the shower?!” Von Zinzer was shocked. 

“I’m sure you’ve got lots of things you want to... _discuss_ … in private.” Zeetha waggled her eyebrows and leered. “This may be the last chance you get.” 

“Oh, right… er… I see what you mean.” He went into the engine room with Florence, still holding onto the lead attached to her collar in one hand and the wolf's sponge bag in in the other. He undid her collar, then turned his back and closed his eyes while the wolf stripped off her blood-stained clothing and stepped into the Hot Rain Engine. Moloch heard the splash of water as she turned the taps on the various water nozzles and started washing the blood from her fur. He despaired at the absurdity of the situation. Here he was, supposedly guarding a fearsome and ravening monster with his back to her and his eyes tightly shut. Just another normal day in Castle Heterodyne then. Still, Zeetha was right. They did have things they needed to talk about in private. 

“So, tell me what happened in there,” he asked her. “Was it the same old problem?”

“Yes, yes it was.” Florence sounded sad, resigned to her fate. “He just wouldn't stop and I couldn't take it anymore.”

“I wish you'd have let me help.”

“No, this was something I had to resolve myself. Now I've failed you, let you down, let the Mistress down.”

“No, none of that now. This isn't your fault, remember that. You know, I've had an idea about how you can handle things. Listen...”

Florence listened as she finished washing herself. It sounded like a good idea. A shame they had not thought of it sooner. She shook herself and then turned on the warm air blowers to finish drying her fur.

“Could you pass the cinnamon please Moloch?” she asked.

Von Zinzer searched in her bag and passed the cinnamon. As she took it Florence looked to see if he was peeking. She was a little disappointed to find that he wasn't. She stepped out of the Hot Rain Engine, rubbed a little cinnamon into her fur and got dressed.

“It's all right, you can look now,” she told him. As he turned to her he couldn't help noticing how wonderful she looked in her best dress. She looked sadly into his eyes.

“I'm going to die in there aren't I?”

“Not if I can help it,” Moloch told her quietly. He stroked her head affectionately and gave her a doggy treat. He reattached her collar and then, hand in hand, they walked out to face the Judgement of the Heterodyne.

\------------------------*

The enquiry convened in the Drawing and Quartering Room, traditionally used by The Heterodyne to pass judgement on traitors, high-ranking captives and people who pushed into the front of the queue in the canteen. New visitors often thought it was a drawing room that was sometimes used as sleeping quarters, until they saw the quaint machinery in the alcoves. The hospitality staff had supplied jugs of coffee but decided not to have a couple of minor Sparks at the door to say flattering things to the participants as they arrived; Lady Heterodyne had told them that she didn’t like the complimentary nuts. They did provide some plates of rather nice chocolate biscuits, but as is so often the way at meetings, these were placed out of everyone's reach so it was impossible to get any without rudely disrupting the proceedings by standing up and leaning across the table.

While they waited for Florence to change her clothes Agatha, Krosp, Violetta and General Zog discussed what they should do with the wolf. The General had brought a couple of Jägers along to 'guard the prisoner'. Although no-one said it, they all knew that their job would be to take Florence outside and shoot her, should The Heterodyne decide that she must die. Krosp was complaining loudly.

 “Why didn't you kill her out of sight when you had the chance? I've already explained to you why she is an unacceptable risk.”

“No,” Agatha told him. “She's always seemed a very approachable, pleasant and grounded minion. There was no way I was ever going to just shoot her like a d... like a rat without hearing her side of the story.” She had her fingers crossed out of sight under the table.

“I don't know.” Violetta was still unsympathetic. “She was pretty vicious when she helped us deal with that infestation of Ewoks in the Tower of Green Porcelain last month. That was hardly approachable, pleasant and grounded. We should have seen the danger then.”

“Dot dun count.” Agatha was surprised that General Zog was taking Florence's side. “Dot iz de only vay to deal vit does terrible leedle vermin. Hyu gots to keel dem qvick, vitout mercy, bevor dey gets hyu! Hy tort she vas a verra goot fighter.”

There was a knock on the door and Zeetha and von Zinzer led in Florence, still on her lead. Agatha was scandalised that the wolf's dress was so short that it barely covering her knees and left her bare lower legs clearly visible. A risqué dress suitable for a private party or an intimate romantic dinner perhaps, but hardly the thing for such a serious occasion.

With reluctance von Zinzer handed over the lead to one of the Jägerkin guards and sat down at the table next to Zeetha. Florence, flanked by the two guards, remained standing at the opposite end of the table to Agatha. There was a creak from the ceiling and a little plaster dust settled on the wolf's head.

“Make a run for it,” hissed the voice of Castle Heterodyne. “Go on, try."

There was a moment of silence. Agatha realised that she really should have written an agenda, but it was far too late for that now. She took a deep breath and began. 

“Well, we all know why we are here. First, as the victim was one of his men, sorry, Jägers, I'd like to ask the General what his position is on what should be done with Florence.”

Zog leaned forward with his elbows on the table.

“Me? Vell, hif ve had sum hy vud ask her if she vud like de Jägerdraft! She vud fit into de pack verra vell hy tink. Oddervise, if sche iz goot at fixink schtuff vor de Heterodyne, vell let her keep doink dot.”

Agatha was surprised by his sang-froid. “So, you don't hold any grudge against Florence for killing one of your own?”

The Jägers roared with laughter. General Zog leaned back in his chair which creaked alarmingly under the strain. Fortunately it had been designed especially for him.

“Schveethot, hyu may be a Heterodyne but hy schtill haz a lot to learn. Ve haz bin fightink for a verra long time. Ve dun tok it personal. Its chust a bit of fun! Berndt died fightink a priddy monster gurl and hyu dun ask vor a better vay to go dan dot hey!?”

 "But I thought you said that Berndt was a really popular? Are you sure there won't be any bad feeling from his friends?”

 “Hy sed he vas a choker. Hy din say he vas popular.” Zog cocked an eyebrow to the Jägers guarding Florence. “Volker, Svejk. Vot do hyu say boyz? Iz dere gon be any bad feelinks about Miz Florence?”

Volker scowled. “Ja, vell, Berndt vas a schmot guy vit de practical chokes and de tricks and pranks. Dot vas really fonny vor de furst dozen times or so, but after dot it gots a bit old, hif hyu must know. After four hundred years hy tink most ov de pack vas ready to off hym demselfs.”

“Yah, he vas vot ve call a 'Cheeky Chappy', hyu know,” added Svejk. “Dot means de guy is zo annoyink dot after hyu tok vit heem vor 5 minutes hyu fantasise about bashink hiz head in vit an iron bar, und hyu keep on smashink his head in effen ven he is dead becawse hyu can schtill hear dot annoyink leedle laugh und dot irritatink leedle voice in hyur head. Zo no, de only peeple dot misses heem is dem dot kent shoot straight.”

“Oh, I see.” Agatha was thrown off-balance by the unexpected response. “So, you say, just let her go then, despite what she has done?”

“Ov cawse. Dis is Mechanicsburg Schveethot! Hyu kent make a fuss about leedle tings like dot. If Miz Florence iz a goot servant ov de House ov Heterodyne den dot iz all ve needs to know.” 

“Sorry, but these aren't the days of the Old Masters. I am not prepared to have people ripping each other apart for no good reason. Nobody dies in Castle Heterodyne unless I say so.” She ignored the 'Hrumph!' from the ceiling. “Which brings us to the reason we are all here in the first place doesn't it?” She turned her attention to the wolf. “Florence, why did you tear Berndt to pieces like that? What possible reason could you have for such an act of unspeakable violence?”

Florence looked across to von Zinzer, who gave her an encouraging nod and a smile. She took courage from his presence and support, especially his bravery up at the ruin. Suddenly her ears, which had been laid down flat stood upright and alert. Her tail came out from between her legs and stood out straight. If she was going to die today, she resolved that she would die with dignity. She looked Agatha in the eye as she spoke. 

“I am truly sorry for my actions, Lady Heterodyne, but I just could not take any more. Since I have been here the Jägers have been constantly challenging me, harassing me. They never leave me alone for a second. I am a wolf, used to fighting for my position in the pack. But they challenge me all the time, _all the time_. It seems that always when I meet a Jäger they must taunt me and fight. When I have established my position then they should leave me be. It isn't right that they should be challenging me again and again.”

“And then they touch me in inappropriate ways. All the time. And they draw pictures of me, shameful, indecent pictures, and then show them to me and pass them around amongst themselves. I am an engineer, a good engineer. I studied hard to be the best at what I do. I work diligently and try to exceed what is asked of me. I have served the House of Heterodyne faithfully since I joined you. Why am I not respected as an engineer, rather than humiliated as some sex object for these _people_?” She was well aware that the Jägerkin regarded ‘people’ as an insult.

“I am truly sorry that I did what I did, but really, Berndt was the worst of them, and I couldn't take it any longer. Kill me if you must. I am your loyal minion, part of your pack and I couldn't leave your service, but I couldn't go on living like that either.”

Agatha listened with growing displease. She turned to General Zog.

“Did you know about this? What do you have to say?” To her irritation the General still looked highly amused.

“Vell ov cawse ve vas figtink her. Now dot de lovely Miz Von Pinn gots... a transfer... Miz Florence iz de new heart throb and pin-up ov de Regiment! Alvays sche iz ready to fight, alvays sche is zo fast and dangerous and fun! No vonder dot all de boyz are desirous ov her and makink de nize drawinks und de schtories und touchink her! Who vuddn't vant to fight vit a priddy leedle monster gurl like dot?! Iv hy was seventy years younger hy vud be courtink her myself!”

Agatha was incensed. ”Courting her!? COURTING HER!!? You mean that you are all doing these things to her because you _like_ her!? You have been making her life a living Hell, and you are telling me it's because you all think she's really attractive!” She paused, pinched the bridge of her nose and took a deep breath. The General was right. There really was a lot she still had to learn about being The Heterodyne.

“OK, fine... just... FINE! Now we have established that the Jägers are behaving so badly to Florence because they really like her, but this behaviour is actually making her life a misery, can we please agree that the Jägers will now stop treating her like some fantasy object and start treating her with respect.”

“Oh No, ve von't do dot,” the General told her.

“WHAT? WHY NOT?!” Agatha went from incensed to completely outraged.

“Vell Schveethot, ve iz Jägerkin, iv hyu haven't noticed. Din hyu hear me say dot it isn't personal? Ve does vot ve vants und ve dun mind about vot odders tink or say. Ve dun care vat happens to uz. Ve certainly dun care about anyvun else. Except de Heterodyne ov cawse. Iz all chust fun. So vat iv de doggy iz upset? Sche iz a priddy leedle gurl. Sche gotta expect dot sort ov schtuff. Vud sche radder sche vas fat und ugly und none ov de boyz effer noticed her?”

“Admiring a pretty girl is one thing, but making persistent, unwanted advances is completely unacceptable in My Town and My Castle. And as for inappropriate touching... that is just going too far! If anyone tries that on me their arms and legs are going to get swapped round.”

The General was still laughing. “Ha! Dot touching iz alvays de qvickest vay ov getting her to fight! Und sche mak de really fonny sounds ven hyu does it too!”

“Ja, vatch dis,” exclaimed Volker. The Jäger guard dropped the lead, reached down and yanked Florence's tail. The wolf gave a loud ‘Yip!’ and turned snarling to face her tormentor, going down on all fours, ready to pounce. The Jäger was delighted. 

“Ja, cum on doggy, letz fight,” he laughed, crouching into a fighting stance ready to meet an attack. Before anyone could react Florence sprang at him, but rather than going for his throat as he expected, she jumped clean over his head, landed behind him and turned back to face him. To everyone’s horror, in her mouth she was holding his hat, an ornate turban modelled on the Taj Mahal. With a triumphant, savage, snarling growl, Florence tore the beautiful headgear apart with her razor sharp teeth, shaking it like a dead rat and spraying the appalled onlookers with fragments of gold braiding and doggy dribble. There was an obscene tearing sound. Volker put his hands to his face and screamed like a little girl. The remnants of the hat fell to the ground in a shower of damp shredded felt. Florence looked disconcerted for a moment, then spat out a metal Jägerkin hat badge. It bounced across the floor and came to rest at Volker's feet in a puddle of saliva. Clapping his hand over his mouth, Svejk rushed from the room and vomited noisily in the corridor. 

For a second there was a horrified silence, broken only by the whimpering of the hatless Jäger. General Zog, the battle-hardened veteran, reacted first.

“Dot voz hiz hat, hyu bad doggy!” he roared, leaping from his chair and lunging at Florence. The agile wolf ducked under his _batna_ and on all fours darted between his legs. Twisting her body she climbed up his back, grabbed his enormous Fez in her mouth and then leapt from his shoulders for the far side of the room, springing off the wall to confront the General. Zog faced the wolf in horror, watching the dark drool stain start to spread into the red fabric of his hat. It was the first time Agatha had seen the General truly horrified. He took an uncertain step forward. There was a muffled, threatening snarl from Florence. The fabric of the Fez flexed slightly as her jaw tightened in warning.

“All right!” shouted Agatha. “That’s enough, both of you! General, calm down. Put down your weapon and step away from the wolf. Florence! Leave it!  I said leave it! LEAVE IT!” With an evil look at the General and then a glance over at von Zinzer, Florence bent forward and dropped the Fez on the floor. 

“Now General, slowly walk forward and pick up your hat. No slowly! Slowly! Nice and gentle. That’s right. There, now walk slowly back away from Florence.” Having retrieved his hat, Zog hugged it close to his body like a frightened child holding a favourite teddy bear. Apart from a damp patch and a few small rips from Florence’s sharp teeth it looked undamaged. 

Agatha breathed a long sigh of relief. “There now, that wasn’t so difficult was it? Now then, let’s all take a moment to reflect and… oh dear... General Zog, just relax, OK, everything's going to be fine. Nice deep slow breaths; look sit down and put your head between your knees. Can someone fetch me a paper bag please? A large one?”

\----------------*

Ten minutes later, calm had been restored. The medical trauma team had come to take Volker away, Svejk had reported sick and General Zog was restored to his usual stern and unshakeable self, although he still looked a little pale. Zeetha, with the instincts of a trained warrior, had taken the opportunity to eat all the chocolate biscuits. The meeting reconvened, with Florence standing at the end of the table to face the Judgement of the Heterodyne. 

Agatha was still deeply unhappy. “Florence, first let me say that I completely understand your reasons for what you did, but I can't condone your actions. If you cannot control your temper then you cannot remain here in Mechanicsburg. Suppose a tourist or a child were to pull your tail? Attacking a Jäger is one thing. Attacking the defenceless is quite another.”

“With respect, Lady Heterodyne, I would never attack someone like that,” Florence told her. “It was only the Jägers who drove me to the point where I had to use extreme violence. You must know that I would never hurt a child.”

“Really? I have heard the stories of your brothers and sisters when they worked for Dr Vapnoople. I was reluctant to accept you as a minion when you first came here and this has only served to show that I made the wrong decision. I'm sorry, but can you give me one good reason why I should not expel you from my service and banish you from Mechanicsburg?”

Florence bowed her head in shame. “No. I have been bad and should be punished. I don't deserve to work for you and will leave today.”

“NO!” Von Zinzer was on his feet and shouting before the rational part of his brain was fully aware that the insane part had already issued instructions. “Florence is the innocent party here. If you expel her, then those who made her life a misery win. You can't do that to my best minion! If Florence leaves, I go too!”

Agatha sighed. Life would be so much simpler if everyone would only do what they were told instead of arguing every time she made a decision. Of course, in the days of the Old Masters she would simply have ordered a couple of minions to strap von Zinzer into one of the amusing machines in the alcoves, but she had to remind herself that she was her father's daughter, not one of her more traditionally-minded ancestors. She considered just telling the chief minion to go, but then reflected on what life in Castle Heterodyne without Moloch von Zinzer would be like. Somehow, he was always the link between her and the rest of the staff, the one who kept the lights on and the machinery running, the one who manipulated and managed the minor Sparks, the one the other minions looked up to. Could she really afford to lose him? Could she afford to call his bluff? 

And then there was the question of the Jägers. She could simply order them to leave Florence alone and their unquestioning loyalty to The Heterodyne would force them to obey, problem solved. But Agatha had learned enough leadership skills to know that it is unwise to rely on unquestioning loyalty that forced her followers to go against their nature. Already she knew that some of the pack, General Zog included, were grumbling about her being 'one of the boring ones' and yearning for the Good Old Days. As the only Heterodyne, she could still rely on their loyalty, but what if she had children, who might turn out to be a lot more 'interesting'? Could she rely on the Jäger's obedience then? It would not do to put too much pressure on her relationship with the Jägerkin. 

 She made a decision.

“Sit down, von Zinzer. If you are so passionate about Florence, if you are giving me your word that she is not a threat to the population of Mechanicsburg, that she is not a ravening monster, then she can stay...” Florence's tail began to wag “But,” continued Agatha, “if it turns out that you are wrong then it will be your responsibility and I will be blaming you. No second chances, do you understand?”

“Yes Lady Heterodyne. Thank you, you won't regret it.” Von Zinzer bowed formally and sat down. 

“So that’s settled then,” said Agatha, in a tone of voice she hoped would tell everyone that things had been settled, whether they knew it or not. “Florence can stay as a minion, so long as she does not tear anyone to pieces ever again. As the Jägers have said, they see no reason why they should not continue to pull Florence's tail.” Florence looked over to Agatha in alarm and von Zinzer half rose from his seat to protest. “However,” continued Agatha, forestalling his objections, “if Florence's tail is pulled, or she is in any other way harassed by anyone, be it Jäger, Spark or minion, then Florence will be perfectly within her rights to use said tail-puller's hat as a chew toy.” General Zog, still in shock, looked at the wolf in fear and nodded in agreement. He kept his hat firmly grasped in both hands. “You can tell General Goomblast that for the purposes of tail-pulling, the top of his skull can be considered a hat,” Agatha told the General. “Hm. and pass a message on to General Khrizhan that if he molests any of my female minions I will be most displeased.  Any questions? No? Good! End of meeting!”

There was a scraping of chairs as everyone got up from the table. General Zog hurried from the room with an apprehensive backward glance. Zeetha gave the wolf a friendly smile and a supportive pat on the back as she left. Florence leaned in towards von Zinzer, who undid her collar and pointedly dropped it on the floor, then scratched her behind her ears. 

“It worked, thanks,” she told him.

“Think you can handle that?” Moloch asked her.

“I think so. I'm a wolf. I'm used to competing for my position in the pack. At least now I won't be fighting every time I see a Jäger.”

As they turned to leave, Krosp called to Florence.

“Sister, a quiet word with you, if you please.” Florence sat down at the table as Von Zinzer left the room. Krosp jumped from his chair and walked across the table top so he could talk to Florence more or less eye to eye.

“Sister,” he said “I just want to let you know that throughout I had the fullest confidence in you. Never for one moment did I think that you had become a hideous out of control monster and I was completely convinced that you would be vindicated. All my influence as Emperor would have protected you from harm.” 

Florence beamed and her tail began to wag. She leant forward to hug the cat, rubbing against him with her head, which was almost as big as his entire body. Krosp smiled and stroked her face.

“Thank you brother. I knew that I could rely on you,” she whispered. Then, withdrawing her head but keeping her hands firmly on the cat, she gave him a long, loving look, in which there was surely not any trace of cynicism, then opened her mouth and gave him a long, wet, whole body doggy lick with her enormous tongue, drenching the Emperor of all cats in slobber from head to foot. Krosp froze in horror, the false smile still on his face. With a final grin and a pat on the cat's head, Florence scampered off after von Zinzer and Zeetha.

“Would you like us to leave the room so you can scream piteously in private?” Violetta asked sweetly. Krosp shuddered in revulsion as gobbets of drool dripped from his whiskers. With slow, deliberate, squelching steps, his legs wide apart, he walked back across the table top leaving sticky footprints.

“Just shut up and fetch the disinfectant,” he growled through clenched teeth.

\----------------------*

Out in the corridor, Zeetha was waiting for von Zinzer.

“Hey, Moloch, you're still alive! Again! Amazing! You'll be wanting your DNR notice back.” She handed him the unopened envelope.

“Oh yeah, thanks. I knew Florence wouldn't really hurt me. She's the only sane person in Mechanicsburg, apart from me. Oh, present company excepted of course.”

“You lying git,” Zeetha told him good-humouredly.

“Yeah well, I wonder about me sometimes and I would never question the sanity of anyone who walks around with two razor-sharp swords.”

“No, I mean the bit about being sure about Florence. You were terrified when you went in there. You must really value her _a lot_ to go in to save her, when she might have just torn your throat out.” She dug her elbow into von Zinzer's ribs and gave him a leering wink. 

“She is...” von Zinzer did a quick check to make sure Fraulein Snaug was not in earshot. “She is my best minion. Hard working, resourceful, clever, friendly and best of all, completely grounded. Plus she really likes to play Frisbee. And she's great on a deer hunt, once you get used to the fact that she doesn't need to use a gun or a cross-bow. Oh and she's a terrific cook too. But don’t ever play poker with someone who can smell when you're lying.”

“Come on, what about the rest? You can tell me.”

“Rest? What other reasons do I need?”

“Now don’t be coy Moloch, you know what I mean. I've seen the two of you together. There's plenty of other people out there that find furry human animal hybrids a real turn on.” 

Von Zinzer stopped dead in amazement and gaped at Zeetha.

“What you mean… as in....you know... like that...?”

Zeetha nodded and grinned. “Yes, you _know_ , like _that_.”

“Ew! But that's... that's disgusting1 Yeuch! She's a wolf! And you think I.... that we are.....that we.... Ew! How low can people get?!”

“I believe the record is a Corgi, but I don't think it was officially verified.” 

“No, listen. Florence is a wolf. A _wolf_! She is a wonderful person, a great engineer and fine minion, but she is a _wolf_. She is not human and the thought of us... us being a couple is just…. just _disgusting_.” 

“Honestly! I thought someone who used to work for Duke D'Omas would have a more open mind.” 

“You kidding?! I was only a mechanic on one of his gun boats! Most of D’Omas’ actual minions ended up going into monasteries and taking a vow of celibacy! Look I may have grown up on a farm but I’m not some kind of pervert that goes around lusting after animals!”

“You sure? You took an awful risk to save her, Herr Doktor Chief Minion.”

“For the last time I am not a Minion, let alone Head Min…!” He stopped in mid-sentence as his train of thought hit the buffers of his memory. “Oh. I did say that didn't I? Maybe I did take a bit of a risk for her too. I just knew it was what I had to do. But that's because she's my best minion, the only one I can really trust, the one with whom I can really relax, the one I feel good to be around, and I suppose... well I suppose she's my dog isn't she? Haven't you ever had a pet dog? Wouldn't you do anything to save it or protect it? I would never let harm come to her or do anything to hurt her.”

But he lied as he said it.

\-------------------------*

That evening the Jägers held Berndt's funeral service up at the graveyard. Tradition demanded that all the Generals attend, but for a Jäger funeral it was surprisingly subdued and poorly attended by the members of the pack. If there is one thing you can say about the Jägers, they are not hypocrites. The remains of the late 'life and soul of the party' were lowered into the ground while the Mechanical Cleric recited the words of the funeral service. The coffin was remarkably small and light. They hadn’t found enough to bury at all until General Goomblast had made some enquiries and retrieved the bag of 'leftovers' collected from the scene of the tragedy by a hyena construct working on the cleaning staff. The General had made a mental note to talk to Lady Heterodyne about Fraulein Grrsn later. Those few who had come to show their respects sang a half-hearted rendition of 'Tenk Gott Hym a Jägerkin' and then walked back to Mama Gkika's for the wake, leaving the sexton to fill in the grave. As they made their way down the hill, they met a smartly dressed figure coming up from the town, followed by a five piece Mechanicsburg street band.

“Vy, Goot Efenink Herr Steuermann,” General Gkika greeted him. “Iz a bit late to be goink hup to de Graveyard, ja?”

“It's a most excellent evening General,” said the old man, his face enthused with joy, “and I am going dancing. Come along Gentlemen”. And with that he strode off up the hill, the band following in his wake.

\------------------------* 

Back in Mama Gkika’s, there was one more important ritual to perform. Volker, still hatless, stood before the Generals looking rather apprehensive. The rest of the pack stood behind him in respectful silence. Naturally, it was General Khrizhan who took the lead. 

“Volker, today hyu haz suffered perhaps de vorst fate dot can befall a Jäger. Hyu haff lost hyur hat in a fight und dere haz been no defeated enemy for hyu to get a new vun from. Diz tragedy iz sumtink dot hangs ofer uz all und iv de time cums den be must face it vit courage and fortitude. Hy had a hat vunce. Green it vos.” He paused, reflecting on memories of long ago. Actually, the story of why General Khrizhan doesn't wear a hat is much more interesting than the one I am telling you, but you'll understand that it is deeply personal, so it's really better if he tells it to you himself. The enormous Jäger pulled himself together. More than one of the pack who knew the tragic story blinked away tears. 

“Anyvay, ve iz here to giff hyu support threw diz difficult time.”

Volker swallowed, his voice thick with emotion.

“Tenk hyu General. Hy vas vorried dot hy had disgraced de pack by goink to pieces like dot.”

“Volker, ve cannot know how ve vill react, und ve do not chudge odders.” He gave a sly look in the direction of General Zog.

“It vasn't de damage. It vos de drool,” muttered the leader of the Jägers. “Dot schtuff meks de felt all schticky hyu know.”

“Zo, az hyu now haff no hat,” Khrizhan continued “ve makes sure dot in de next battle hyu is gon be right at de front, on hyur own, zo hyu gets de pick of all de best hats, Ja?” 

Volker's face lit up with delight. “Vhy, tenk hyu General. Hy iz honoured.”

“Ja, hyu iz. Und ve iz givink hyu Berndt's old hat until hyu getz vun of hyur own.” He handed over a slightly chewed Shako coloured a deep red. “May it brink hyu better fortune don itz preffius owner.”

“Tenk hyu Sir.” Volker gave the Jäger equivalent of a salute. “But hy tort dot Berndt's hat vas vhite?” 

“Dun vorry Schveethot, hyu vashes dot in cold vater, de blud cums right out.” 

\---------------------*

That night a bright full moon rose above Mechanicsburg. In a Castle courtyard overlooking the Cathedral, Agatha, Krosp, von Zinzer and Fraulein Snaug were relaxing after a long day. A gentle refreshing breeze blew away the remaining humid heat of the afternoon and the lingering smell of disinfectant. To thank her for her help, Moloch was spending some quality time with his female minion. He was also keen to demonstrate to anyone who might have got the wrong idea about his relationship with Florence exactly where his predilections lay. He had his arm round Fraulein Snaug's shoulder and she snuggled close to him as they enjoyed their steins of ale. From a high tower of Castle Heterodyne the howling of a wolf sounded eerily across the city. 

“Is that Florence?” asked Agatha, looking up from her small glass of Liebfraumilch.

“Yes, it's a wolf thing,” replied Krosp, lapping his Bristol Cream from a flat champagne glass. “When they re-join the pack after being separated they do a bit of howling to reintegrate. Sort of like saying 'Here I am - I'm back'. And of course howling at the moon is part of her cultural heritage.”

“You know,” remarked Agatha, “it does really add to the ambience. Do you think we could get her to do this on a regular basis, whenever there is a good moon up? She actually is rather good. The tourists will love it.”

“Of course!” exclaimed von Zinzer. “The Minions of Mechanicsburg live to gratify the wishes of The Heterodyne.” He paused, realising he had probably had enough Old Sparky Hen for one night. Fortunately the good wine had put Agatha into a mellow mood and she ignored the sarcastic over familiarity. “I can ask her tomorrow if you like,” he continued quickly. “She sounds happy enough.”

Agatha smiled.

“I'm so glad. I do like my Adventures to have happy endings.”

\------------------------*

On the top of the tower, Florence sat alone, her head bowed, tears streaming down her muzzle, her breath coming in broken sobs. Moloch might think of her as a dog, but sometimes he forgot she wasn't human and was quite capable of overhearing a conversation 50 yards down a corridor. The wolf part of her desired the alpha male in the pack; the human part of her loved the head minion. Whenever he walked into the room, it was as though all the lights came on in her head. A kind word from him made her happy for days; a rebuke left her distressed and miserable. He had always seemed to enjoy her company and it made her so happy to be with him. She had been full of dreams and hopes of the blissful future they might have together but they had all been shattered forever by the candid disgust in Moloch’s voice as he had talked to Zeetha. No argument, no rationalisation, no barrier in her mind that she could create would hide the terrible truth and protect her from the Ravening Monster of Heartbreak that was tearing her apart. Florence raised her muzzle and in despair howled again her aching distress to the uncaring moon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to Captain Herdthinner for inspiring the complimentary nuts.  
> Agatha Heterodyne and all the rest of the Girl Genius cast copyright Studio Foglio.  
> Florence Ambrose from Freefall copyright Mark Stanley. Although this is a Heterodyne story readers familiar with Freefall will notice lots of call-outs to the strip here, including at least one blatantly stolen punchline.  
> Kathryn Grrsn from Carry On copyright Kathy Garrison  
> ‘Tenk Gott Hym a Jägerkin’ copyright Captain Herdthinner  
> Ewoks from Return of the Jedi copyright George Lucas and he is welcome to them.  
> Herr Steuermann is from my previous story “Agatha Heterodyne and the Spirit of Christmas”  
> The Mechanical Cleric is from my previous story “Agatha Heterodyne and the Mechanical Cleric”  
> 

**Author's Note:**

> _Florence is the incarnation in the Girl Genius Universe of Florence Ambrose from the excellent webcomic Freefall. The wolf-human hybrids of Dr Vapnoople are mentioned in an extra scene in the novelisation Agatha H. and the Airship City which does not appear in the webcomic._


End file.
